what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
He just like my cat fr
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
For anyone who needs this today
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach