Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.