Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My friend is an excellent librarian.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.