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8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.