@EricGoldie: Ate a vegetable about 5 hours ago...Still no abs.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: In the future, can you please put the seat down? Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?
@lazerdoov: Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips
@michaelianblack: The whole thing about "we're all going to die some day," that's a joke, right?
@_wendyb07: Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I'm filling it with pancake syrup.