I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
All generalizations are stupid.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?