Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
seems fine
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”