Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
our love story in four pictures
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
A dad and his duck
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Terribly Tuesday.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case