Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
You Might Also Like
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.