Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
You Might Also Like
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
won’t smith
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
good let them take over I have had enough
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?