None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
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During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Goodnight 🐶
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing