“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Cats are still liquid.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I only treason on days ending in y
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom