@runawaycupcake: Ate too much salad today so I'm going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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@ericonederful: I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
@Kali_Mura: Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my -- Satan: I have a girlfriend.
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve