Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
my first day as a raccoon
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
im 7 sauces long
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?