Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I hope Alan is OK
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…