her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
It was worth a shot 😂
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend