Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.