@omgthatspunny: Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
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@stonedcoldlazy: Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn't reading your tweets or looking at pics
@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: In the future, can you please put the seat down? Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?
@markhoppus: I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."