me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Solving a traffic jam
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.