I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.