Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Before crowbars crows drank alone
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Chicken bread
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.