ATMs should have breathalyzers
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Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names