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@NolaChef504: ATMs should have breathalyzers
@MrEd_EVH: Boss - can you pass a piss test?
Me - Sure...distance or accuracy?
@BillMc7: Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
@Black__Elvis: Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
@JD_KC: The goldfish just gave me the "just flush me" look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring.
Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]