AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.