AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The future is now.