*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”