*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
No chill.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?