Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that