Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets