Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
thank god
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”