Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
You Might Also Like
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out