Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*