Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Perfect
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic