[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar