*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken