*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Can’t, holding a grudge
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.