*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You Might Also Like
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
One of the best
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.