*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
sugar glider wrangler
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.