I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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I’m about to risk it all
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect