@AngstromHoot: Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him
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@SarahFemme: I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly! Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on...
@theshamingofjay: *tries for a year to brush and floss better* *goes to dentist* Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?