[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE