@BitterOldPunk: ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight's penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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@abbycohenwl: Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh
@TheProvenFacts: The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.