ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
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The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
No way!
🙅🏻
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.