Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”