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@smilely_gal: Attention children:
Mom is closed.
@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.
@DadandBuried: I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
@hipchkk: Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
@iLikeCatShirts: Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
@FlyoverJoel: Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.