Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭