I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.