ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER