ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.