attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion