attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.