ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes