Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males