Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Just me?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one