@lovemydogduck: Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll... I could really use a back rub.
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@SteveDutzy: *logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!
@_ElvishPresley_: [at the planetarium standing next to a cutie] ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
@TheToddWilliams: [dinner, my place] "This tastes like pork?" ME: You asked for a nice swine "No, a nice wine" ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
@AndrewNadeau0: You can just tell people you're writing a novel even if you're not. There will not be follow up questions.